Tuesday, 13 May 2008

The 5 Golden Rules for Guaranteed Failure Online

In order to help people who are hell bent on failing online I've come up with this handy check list. If you follow this list carefully your website site will fail. If it doesn't simply send me all your money and declare yourself bankrupt so you can enjoy the same sense of failure so many others are enjoying.

  1. Do your own design!

    Whatever design agencies tell you about web designers being highly skilled individuals who have studied design, user interfaces, the latest CSS based coding techniques etc don't believe them. Simply buy some software, or better still use a pirated copy, and have a go. Make sure you ask your closest friends what they think of the website, especially those who know absolutely nothing about design. If anyone suggests the site looks 'home spun' ignore them. The term home spun is a technical term used by design agencies who are annoyed about you not using their services.

    I'd also strongly advise using as much clip art as possible. This will make your site stand out from the crowd and look classy. Remember, if you don't follow this advice and choose instead to employ a professional you run the risk of succeeding.

  2. Buy the cheapest hosting you can find
    Whatever you do make sure you pay no more than about £20 ($40) per year for hosting. Paying any more than that is simply stupid. Although your website may from time to time be offline it doesn't matter because anyone who really wants to get in touch will keep trying until they succeed. Again, if you fail to follow this crucial advice your chances of succeeding increase further!
  3. Don't waste time creating great content
    This is really important. If you create something unique, something useful, something people really need you run the risk of experiencing online success. Instead, simply write about why your services are unique, how wonderful you are and how you really care about your clients. Think of it as tough love, tell them you love them but absolutely DO NOT give them anything useful.
  4. Ignore the basics of search engine optimisation - whatever that is.....
    You've probably heard all the buzz about search engine optimisation, ignore it. It's a complete waste of time. You've got better things to do than waste time on trivia such as ensuring your web pages are correctly setup so the search engines can read and understand them. If the search engines want to read your site they can figure it out for themselves! DO NOT help them. If you follow only one of these rules make sure you follow this one. This rule above all others will absolutely guarantee online failure.
  5. Assume you have a right to be number 1 in Google
    Say after me "I deserve to be number 1 in Google". Repeat this mantra daily. Let's face it, who do Google think they are by not putting your website on page one! The really important thing is to check your rankings every hour or so and whatever you do, do not be tempted to spend time improving your site, this is very very important. Any improvements you make may result in a measure of on line success and you need to avoid this at all costs.

I hope this helps you speed up your road to online failure. If you have any questions please don't email me, I probably won't bother replying because that might improve my chances of building trust. You might come back to my site, you might even buy something from me and I can't take that risk.

Happy Failing!!

TTFN

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